3-Step Approach to Setting Limits with Your Child

3-Step Approach to Setting Limits with Your Child

Holly Fregin is a licensed mental health counselor, EMDRIA approved EMDR consultant and trainer, and TBRI practitioner. She specializes in treating complex trauma utilizing EMDR, in combination with other therapeutic approaches. Holly is passionate about all things related to mental health awareness and wholeheartedly believes that healing is possible for everyone, and it is never too late to begin your journey. Currently, Holly has a private practice in Boca Raton, FL and specializes in providing EMDR therapy intensives for individuals seeking trauma healing and relief in a more concentrated setting. Holly’s greatest joy and most valuable work includes raising 2 tween daughters, a teenage son, and 2 dogs with her husband of 20 years.

As a parent, you know your kids need limits. When our children are small, certain limits can feel like no-brainers — like teaching our toddlers not to touch a hot stove or to look both ways before they cross the street.  

But as our children get older, these limits become more complicated, and they aren’t so black and white anymore. 

Regardless of how old our kids are, it’s our job as caregivers to set limits with our children, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Often, setting limits leads to meltdowns, which creates tension, hurt feelings or even dread within our families — so we avoid them.  

There’s an easier way, though. Read on to learn a three-step approach to setting limits with your children.  

Why Your Child Needs Limits 

Before you can start setting effective limits with your children, it’s important that you first understand why kids need limits in the first place.  

The book of Proverbs is full of Scripture that explains the role between a parent and a child, and Paul even speaks to the topic in Ephesians 6. All throughout the Bible, we see examples of God as our Good Father, and He is committed to loving, teaching, disciplining, and protecting us.  

As earthly parents, we set limits with our children so we can fulfill these same responsibilities toward them.  

Setting clear limits with our kids is one of the most intentional ways we can love them because, when done properly, these limits teach our children what behaviors are and are not acceptable so they can stay safe.  

And, at their core, that’s all limits are — boundaries we give our children to protect them.  

It’s easy for us and our kids to think limits are all about control, but that couldn’t be farther from God’s heart. One of our most important jobs as parents is to keep our kids safe, and setting healthy limits helps us do that.  

Set Limits with Your Kids in 3 Steps 

While setting limits as a parent is necessary, knowing how to do so in a way that does not create tension with your child is equally as important.  

Instead of simply saying “no” to their requests, which can feel dismissive and sometimes even aggressive, try following Dr. Garry Landreth’s breakdown for limit setting:  

  1. Connect with our children by validating and naming the feeling they are expressing. This helps calm their brain and body because they feel seen and heard by you. 
  1. Set the limit in a non-judgmental way, which communicates the rule clearly. 
  1. Give options. This helps children feel empowered to use their words to get their needs met. 

Here are a couple of examples limit setting responses you can give your children: 

“You really want that toy. These toys are not for stealing. When we get home you can play with a toy from your special boxbox, or you and I can play a game together outside.” 

“It’s really fun to jump on the bed, but furniture is not for climbing. You can jump on the floor with meme, or you can go outside and jump on the trampoline.” 

“You’re angry that your brother took your food, but we do not hit other people. When you’re angry you can scream into a pillow or go for a run outside.” 

Give Your Child Choices 

Whenever you correct your child’s behavior, give them alternative solutions for ways they could handle the situation differently next time. Make sure both choices are positive and try and make one of the options something you can do together. 

If your child is having a hard time accepting the choices, try a compromise. It might feel like you’re giving in and giving up control, but you’re actually teaching them a valuable lesson in negotiating needs within the context of a relationship. Compromises teach them that relationships are not just one-sided, and that in asking them to give up what they want, you are willing to be uncomfortable too and sacrifice for the sake of your relationship.  

Following these steps takes practice. Remembering two choices in the heat of the moment can be hard, so try to take five minutes a day to practice setting limits and giving choices for things you know your child most consistently struggles with.  

The more you practice setting limits, the easier it will become. 

Key Takeaway 

It’s important to know how to set limits for children as a parent. You can effectively set boundaries for your kids by prioritizing connection and compromise over getting your way.  

“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” 

~Proverbs 22:6 (NIV) 

Application 

God loves us so much, and He’s not done with us yet. Remind your child how much God loves them by affirming your child’s identity and growth with a game of A Wonderful Work in Progress — now in HopeConnectTM! 

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Holly Fregin, LMHC, EMDR Certified

Holly Fregin is a licensed mental health counselor, EMDRIA approved EMDR consultant and trainer, and TBRI practitioner. She specializes in treating complex trauma utilizing EMDR, in combination with other therapeutic approaches. Holly is passionate about all things related to mental health awareness and wholeheartedly believes that healing is possible for everyone, and it is never too late to begin your journey. Currently, Holly has a private practice in Boca Raton, FL and specializes in providing EMDR therapy intensives for individuals seeking trauma healing and relief in a more concentrated setting. Holly’s greatest joy and most valuable work includes raising 2 tween daughters, a teenage son, and 2 dogs with her husband of 20 years.
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