As parents, most of us have made these types of statements to our children at one time or another.
“You must get straight A’s or you’re not trying hard enough.”
“Failure is not an option. You must be the best.”
“In this house, we do things my way. No questions asked!”
While understandable, these expectations reflect a lack of adaptability, empathy, and understanding of a child’s individual needs, which is especially important to consider if you are a caretaker for a child in foster care.
For expectations to be successful, we need to take into account our child’s life history, specific needs, and any additional support they might require. From there, you can begin setting expectations for your children that are aligned with the vision you’re creating for your family — while still respecting your child’s unique history.
Here are four tips to help you get started.
1. Set Flexible Expectations
As parents, we all have a vision of how we want things in our family to look, sound and feel. While these standards are helpful, it’s best to be adaptable when setting expectations for kids.
Flexibility is essential so you can modify your expectations to accommodate your child’s changing needs. That way, you can help your child manage their emotions better and feel more secure, enabling them to heal and develop resilience.
If you’re a family caregiver, foster parent, or raising an adopted child, remember their baseline for success will look different from other children who have not experienced trauma. Setting appropriate expectations for your child in school and at home helps you find their preciousness and build resilience even in the toughest behaviors.
2. Know Your Child’s Past
To set realistic expectations of your children’s behavior, it’s important to understand their previous experiences with trauma. Trauma can affect a child’s brain development, which influences their emotional and physical health—both in childhood and adulthood. Recognizing these effects helps create realistic child expectations from parents that account for potential developmental delays or emotional challenges your son or daughter may experience.
For example, if your child has endured parental or caregiver abandonment and neglect, he or she might struggle with trust. Building trust could take an extended period, requiring consistent actions over words. To navigate such scenarios, it’s best to be adaptable and allow your child to progress at his or her own rhythm in establishing trust instead of demanding it immediately.
Here are some additional tips to help you navigate your child’s challenging behaviors.
3. Identify Triggers
Knowing the triggers that impact your child is important so you can set sustainable expectations while also supporting their overall growth and development. Triggers can elicit strong emotional reactions and can come in a variety of forms, ranging from specific foods to locations, weather, or smells. If your child consistently defies expectations in a specific area, it could be because something is triggering them.
For instance, if your child associates a particular food with past negative experiences, avoiding that food can prevent distress. Emotional needs, such as feeling frustrated or insecure, can also be triggers. Pay attention to when and where your child tends to have outbursts or meltdowns. Note the time of day, location, and who else is present. This can help you identify patterns and potential triggers.
Another way to identify triggers is to simply talk with your child. While he or she might not articulate what triggered the behavior, discussing it may provide insights. Check out this Thrive blog post for tips to learn how to identify triggers in your children.
4. Your Child’s Present
Pause and think, “What has my child gone through over the past 24 hours?” Just like adults, children have basic needs that, if unmet, can affect their behavior. Your child’s behavior and mood can be influenced by factors like hunger, dehydration, inadequate sleep, lack of physical activity, or recent negative experiences, such as bullying.
Recognizing what your child has gone through in the last 24 hours can shed light on the needs behind those behaviors. From there, you can determine if you need to be flexible with your expectations.
Every behavior has an underlying cause. The reasons behind these behaviors can vary from developmental challenges to being in environments that provoke them. By examining your child’s past, identifying potential triggers, and being mindful of their present realities, you can adjust your expectations and effectively meet your child’s changing needs.
KEY TAKEAWAY
The negative consequences of rigid expectations can be seen through meltdowns or tantrums when these expectations aren’t met. It is important to be flexible and adjust your expectations as your child grows.
APPLICATION
- What is one area in your child’s life where you can start implementing a healthy expectation today?
- What is one strategy you can put in place to support your child once they’re triggered?
EVERYDAY MOMENTS™ ACTIVITY
As parents, one of the greatest lessons we can instill in our children is to make God-honoring choices. Teach your children about the power of making good decisions by playing Dishing Out Choices the next time you have some clean plates and cups to put away. Find this game and more now in the Everyday Moments™ activities collection!
KEY VERSE
As a father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has compassion for those who fear (revere) him. ~Psalm 103:13-14 (NLT)
PRAYER
Dear Lord, thank you for blessing me with the gift of being a parent. Please give me the wisdom to understand my child better and to set expectations that honor you and their unique circumstances. In Jesus’ name, amen.
