Have you ever wondered, “Is my child stressed?” If so, you’re not alone. When we parent children who have undergone trauma, it’s common for them to experience high levels of stress, even in response to situations that, to us, might not seem so catastrophic.
Just as our children have unique triggers, stress responses in kids can vary, too. In fact, most children react to stressful circumstances by demonstrating fight, flight or freeze responses.
While learning how to coach your child through each of these reactions can be challenging, there are ways you can support them. But first, it’s important to understand these three reactions.
This is article #2 in an 8-part series entitled Compassionate Parenting. If you missed the first article, go back and read it here.
Understanding Fight, Flight or Freeze Responses in Kids
When your child feels unsafe, either with real danger getting lost at the grocery store or perceived danger like hearing “no” to a request, their body may shift into survival mode. This can look like:
- Fight: Yelling, hitting, arguing or intense defiance
- Flight: Running away, hiding or trying to escape the situation
- Freeze: Shutting down, going silent, or appearing “checked out”
Another response that has been recently identified is called FAWN and it tends to occur with older children or youth who grew up in abusive homes, and they just want to ‘get along’ and ‘not make trouble.’ These children will try to be overly helpful and agree with you on everything to make you happy. They feel like emotionally it’s their job to take care of you, rather than the other way around.
Silent Signs Your Child is Stressed
In a perfect world, we’d always be able to recognize triggers in our children and predict when they’re overwhelmed. But if you’ve ever missed the early signs of stress until things escalated, you’re not alone.
Children who have experienced trauma often communicate distress through subtle cues before a bigger reaction occurs. These signals can be easy to overlook, but they are important indicators that your child’s nervous system is becoming overwhelmed.
Some of these early signs may include:
- Withdrawing or going unusually quiet.
- Becoming clingy or overly silly, acting younger than their years (something called regression),
- Pacing, fidgeting, or demonstrating an inability to make or hold eye contact.
- Sudden irritability or sensitivity.
- Changes in breathing or posture, like rapid breathing and dysregulated postures such as arms tight at their sides as if waiting for something threatening to happen
- Having difficulty focusing on or following simple directions.
Each of these responses is the body’s way of signaling distress. While they may look different from child to child, they are not random or intentional misbehavior.
Every child’s nervous system adapts based on their experiences, age, and temperament. Many of these behaviors are learned survival responses — patterns that once helped them stay safe. Understanding this can help you respond with greater empathy and attunement, rather than frustration.
How to Help a Child with Stress and Anxiety
When you notice early signs of toxic stress in children, here are four ways you can respond and help your dysregulated child cope:
- Slow your pace and model calm. Your child’s nervous system will often mirror yours, so your calm presence can help bring theirs down.
- Soften your tone. Speaking gently, can help create a sense of safety and reduce intensity.
- Offer reassurance. Remind your child they are safe and that you are there with them.
- Give space with connection. Allow them time to work through their big emotions while staying emotionally available.
- Pray for wisdom and peace. Invite God into the moment, asking Him to steady your heart and bring calm to your child.
Jesus saw the weary, the wounded and the overwhelmed and responded with compassion. You can reflect that same heart by noticing stress responses in your child and responding with love.
KEY TAKEAWAY
Stress can place your child in fight, flight, or freeze mode. Recognizing the early signs of stress will help you respond lovingly and calmly to your child when they become triggered.
ACTIVITY
Help your child learn that God is with us through our highs and lows by playing a game like Mountains and Valleys. Find this game and more in the Everyday Moments™ collection!
APPLICATION QUESTIONS
- What are the subtle signs that my child is experiencing a trigger?
- How can I recognize and respond when my child goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode?
KEY VERSE
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” ~ 2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)
PRAYER
Lord, teach me to recognize the quiet signs of stress, the silent cries for safety, and the moments when my child needs connection more than correction. Help me respond with the same compassion and steadiness You show me every day. In Jesus’ name, amen.
