It’s been a long day, and you just walked in the door after work, school pick-up, back and forth to soccer and dance practices. You feel relieved and excited to show your child you got their favorite food for dinner—pizza—to make a long day a little easier. Instead, they start yelling and screaming and slamming their bedroom door shut.
How can you help a child with trauma express affection?
Love flourishes through trust and connection. Yet, when children go through trauma, these emotional links suffer. Unlike adults, children are not cognitively aware of their feelings or understand why they feel a certain way. The behavior and reactions could be confusing for both the adults trying to have a conversation with the child, and the child, who is unable to comprehend or articulate themselves.
Every child can experience hope and healing; this is key to understanding the brain. Before a child can express love, our priority is helping them rebuild trust and connection.
Building trust
Since felt safety is foundational to relationships, trust must be built first. In other words, it is helping your child feel safe with you, not just know they are safe just not knowing that you are safe.
- Be consistent in responding to your child’s needs.
- Give a balance of structure and nurture when correcting behaviors.
- Encourage gentle eye contact and use positive affirmations (just like you would when rocking and holding a newborn).
- Don’t brush aside your child’s worries; for example, if locking the door makes them feel secure, incorporate it into their nightly routine.
- Don’t stop! Depending on the experience of your child, this routine may be necessary for weeks, months, or even years.
- Stay strong! It might be frustrating when you believe they should be done with it, but healing, is not a quick process.
Build connection
After establishing trust, we can further the relationship by demonstrating love and facilitating their ability to show it to others.
- Figure out how your child feels most loved and engage them in those ways.
- Mention your love language or another family member’s and help the child to show care specific to that person. To discover your love language along with your child’s, go here.
- When special occasions are coming up, ask your child what they think the person would appreciate.
- When your child approaches you with an idea to do something for someone, find ways to say yes to it to encourage more of their ideas and participation in the future.
- Help your child understand the hurt from their actions, then ask how they can repair the situation with love.
- Equip your child to connect with God—remember, God created each of us for love and connection to Him. YouVersion, our strategic partner, offers both Bible App for Kids and Kids Bible Experience to help them engage with God’s Word each day.
Your child is yearning to be loved and to love others. It is not a matter of whether they will express love, but when. As you invite Christ to move in you, and in your family, He will move in your children as well.
Key Takeaway
Helping our children express love means helping them build back trust and connection through their relationship with you. We should model and express the love we want them to show and walk the journey with them however long it takes.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ~1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)
Application
For a fun-filled and trauma-informed way of building a connection with your child while you’re on the go, play Think, Share, Care.
Find it now in the Everyday Moments™ activities collection!
