“You must get straight A’s or you’re not trying hard enough.”
“Failure is not an option. You have to be the best.”
“In this house, we do things my way. No questions asked!”
If you have ever sounded like this when setting expectations with your kids, you’re not alone. However, these statements reflect a lack of adaptability, empathy, and understanding of a child’s individual needs, which is especially important to consider if you are a caretaker for a child in foster care.
Setting Flexible Expectations
As parents, it’s best to be adaptable when setting expectations for our kids. Flexibility is essential so you can modify your expectations to accommodate your child’s changing needs. That way, you can help your child manage their emotions better and feel more secure, enabling them to heal and develop resilience.
Remember that your child’s baseline for success will look different from other children who have not experienced trauma. Setting appropriate expectations helps you find your child’s preciousness and build resilience even in the toughest behaviors.
It’s not always easy though.
Here are some trauma-informed strategies to keep in mind when setting expectations that help you be flexible and effective as your child develops.
Know Your Child’s Past
Understanding your child’s previous experiences with trauma is of utmost importance not just for setting expectations for your child but for caring for them in general. Trauma can affect a child’s brain development, which influences his or her emotional and physical health both in childhood and adulthood. Recognizing these effects helps in setting realistic expectations that account for potential developmental delays or emotional challenges your child may be experiencing.
For example, if your child has endured parental or caregiver abandonment and neglect, he or she might struggle with trust. Building trust could take an extended period, requiring consistent actions over words. To navigate such scenarios, it is crucial to be adaptable and allow your child to progress at his or her own rhythm in establishing trust.
Identify Triggers
Knowing the triggers that impact your child is a critical step in setting expectations that support their overall growth and development. Triggers can elicit strong emotional reactions and can come in a variety of forms, ranging from specific foods to locations, weather, or smells. Identifying these triggers can help explain certain reactions or behaviors.
For instance, if your child associates a particular food with past negative experiences, avoiding that food can prevent distress. Emotional needs, such as feeling frustrated or insecure, can also be triggers. Pay attention to when and where your child tends to have outbursts or meltdowns. Note the time of day, location, and who else is present. This can help you identify patterns and potential triggers. Another way to identify triggers is to simply talk with your child. While he or she might not articulate what triggered the behavior, discussing it may provide insights. Think About!
Your Child’s Present
Pause and think, “What has my child gone through over the past 24 hours?” Just like adults, children have basic needs that, if unmet, can affect their behavior. Your child’s behavior and mood can be influenced by factors like hunger, dehydration, inadequate sleep, lack of physical activity, or recent negative experiences, such as bullying. Recognizing what your child has gone through in the last 24 hours can shed light on the needs behind those behaviors. Once you identify these circumstances can help you determine when to be flexible with your expectations.
Every behavior has an underlying cause. The reasons behind these behaviors can vary from developmental challenges to being in environments that provoke them. By examining your child’s past, identifying potential triggers, and being mindful of their present realities, you can adjust your expectations and effectively meet your child’s changing needs.
Key Takeaway
The negative consequences of rigid expectations can be seen through meltdowns or tantrums when these expectations aren’t met. It is important to be flexible and adjust your expectations as your child grows.
As a father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has compassion for those who fear (revere) him. ~ Psalm 103:13-14 (NLT)
Application
Want to help your kids navigate expectations in a healthy way?
Pile of Purpose helps your child grow in their confidence and skill sets, while teaching them how to cope with the expectations they’ve been given.
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