A question many parents and caregivers of children frequently ask us is: How do I discipline my child who has experienced trauma?
In Overcoming, written by renowned psychologists Nicole Gilbertson Wilke, PH.D. and Amanda Hiles Howard, PH.D., and published by CAFO, our strategic partner, the authors state that “structure and developmentally appropriate expectations can foster children’s belief that they have what it takes to survive and thrive.”
In Part 4 of our Resilience Series, you’ll discover that while factors like genetics and early experiences shape a child’s challenges, a nurturing environment can also strengthen their capacity to heal and thrive. With consistent expectations and positive discipline can help your child develop the resilience they need to grow and thrive.
Impact of Adverse Experiences on Your Child
According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study, early experiences such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse are strongly associated with difficulties in emotional regulation, learning, and forming healthy relationships later in life.
These experiences shape a child’s developing brain and stress-response systems. Nurture! Science also shows that a child’s environment can influence how their genetic potential is expressed. Nurture! In other words, even a child with incredible natural strengths and talents may struggle to thrive in a chaotic or unsafe environment.
Nevertheless, God promises to restore what has been damaged; there is hope for your child to “[gain] back what [they] lost to the swarming locusts…” ~Joel 2:25 (NLT).
Children who have experienced adversity may struggle with emotional regulation and relationship skills, but consistent routines, supportive relationships, and guidance rooted in connection-based discipline and the Hope of God’s Word will help them build resilience and grow in confidence.
Importance of Structure and Discipline
Children crave structure! Even if they don’t always know that they need it or even if they initially rebel against it.
Routine and structure have been proven to help the brain rewire. Children need to know in advance, if possible, what’s expected of them, who’s in charge, and what will be the consequences if they violate a rule.
Even though your child may developmentally be a few years behind their chronological age, it is essential to have realistic expectations of what they can do and be prepared to walk alongside them to provide support and encouragement. This helps build resilience and competence.
Here are 3 simple ways to provide discipline that will help you connect with your child and encourage them develop a positive sense of self:
1. Have Expectations
While your 6-year-old may not be able to do everything that a 10-year-old can do, they can do something. Adjust your expectations accordingly and be willing to work side by side with them in teaching skills to shape their behavior.
Start with small increments and slowly work your way into regular and consistent routines. Remind them of the inspiring words from Philippians 4:13 “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” (NLT).
2. Communicate Expectations
Share clear, simple guidelines in ways they can understand. This can be done through conversations, visual reminders, and routines. Be consistent, but flexible when needed, and check in often to make sure they understand. Baby steps!
When misbehavior occurs, rather than focusing on punishment, use natural or logical consequences that help the child understand the impact of their actions and repair relationships. For example, if your child draws on the wall, a natural consequence might be helping clean it up together. This aligns with Dr. Gary Landreth’s approach: consequences should be teaching tools, not threats, and should strengthen the parent-child relationship rather than damage it.
3. Celebrate Victories
Remember those baby steps? Yes, even the little steps should be recognized! Your child might not be able to self-regulate perfectly after school, but they can still make positive choices and co-regulate with your guidance.
Maybe they struggled while washing the dishes but successfully handled the forks without incident. This is worth celebrating! Make an effort to acknowledge effort and progress rather than perfection. Catch your child doing something right!
KEY TAKEAWAY
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) affect a child’s ability to regulate emotions and build healthy relationships, but routines and support help a child develop competency and belief in themselves.
APPLICATION QUESTIONS
- How might my child’s past experiences be shaping their behavior and emotional responses today?
- In what ways can understanding my child’s history help me set realistic and supportive expectations?
ACTIVITY
Even small tasks like putting away dishes can seem overwhelming to a child who hasn’t had these kinds of routines in their lives. Help and work alongside your child to discover the best way for them to go about performing simple household chores with games like Dishing Out Choices. Find this game and more in our Everyday MomentsTM collection.
KEY VERSE
Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad.
PRAYER
Lord, help to nurture and support my child in building consistent routines. Give me patience and wisdom to lead and guide them.
