When’s the last time your child did something you couldn’t quite understand?
If we’re honest with ourselves, this happens more frequently than we’d like to admit.
Meltdowns can appear out of thin air, and perfectly happy smiles can transform into sullen dispositions at a moment’s notice.
If your children are demonstrating challenging behaviors, one of the ways you can help them is by understanding the need behind the behavior.
It sounds impossible, but with the right lens, it becomes much more doable than you might think. In the sections below, we’ll explain how to do it.
This is article 3 in our 13-part series, Intentional Parenting: Your Emotional Presence. Want to start the series from the beginning? Click here to read the first article now.
Identifying Your Child’s Need & Behavior
Our children might have grown up and their behaviors might have changed, but one thing remains the same — all behavior attempts to communicate an unmet need.
When your child was an infant, they communicated in the universal language of babies: they cried. At that stage, you were responsible for figuring out if the cry meant they were hungry, needed a diaper change, or were simply looking for warmth and cuddles.
Learning to interpret your child’s behavior is a key step towards building understanding and connection. By taking the time to understand how our children are feeling when they demonstrate challenging behaviors, we come closer to addressing the need that’s actually driving them.
When your child has a need that they cannot verbalize, you may see some escalating behaviors. While some of your child’s behaviors can vary by age, here’s a list of some common needs our children have and how they often manifest into misbehavior:
| Need | Behavior |
| Engagement, connection and attention | Yelling, screaming, whining, risky behaviors, and other “attention seeking” behaviors |
| Affection, love | Pulling away, withdrawing, testing limits to see if love is secure |
| Control, safety | Violent outbursts, running away, defiance |
| Acceptance | People-pleasing, fake compliance, passive-aggressiveness |
Respond to Your Child’s Challenging Behavior
Once you understand your child’s challenging behavior is the result of an unmet need, it’s easier to ask questions that help you get them to identify the root of their actions.
Here are some prompts to help guide your conversation with your son or daughter:
- Please try to tell me what is happening inside?
- What are you feeling?
- What do you need from me in this moment?
- How can I support you right now?
- How can I pray for you?
Remember to stay attuned, stay prayerful, and stay hopeful.
While these behaviors can be upsetting, they are rarely personal. Your child feels safe enough to show you their authentic self, and your ability to love them through that builds hope, love and connection.
KEY TAKEAWAY
Your child’s challenging behavior can be interpreted as messages designed to gain love, safety, and connection. When you respond with curiosity and care instead of frustration and confusion, you help build love, trust, and connection.
APPLICATION QUESTIONS
- What is my child attempting to communicate through their behavior?
- How can I respond with love and care rather than anger and frustration?
ACTIVITY
While it can be difficult for children to share their feelings, a game like Bedtime Band-Aid can encourage your child to open up and share their emotions about things that are bothering them. Find this game and more in the Everyday Moments™ collection.
KEY VERSE
“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” ~Proverbs 20:5 (NLT)
PRAYER
God, you see the why behind each of my child’s behaviors. Help me to be more like You and respond to my children with goodness, kindness and compassion.