A common saying between parents or caregivers with their child is “I’ll be there for you.”
But what does it mean to “be there” for your child — and especially if they have experienced the trauma of abuse, abandonment, neglect, or other challenging situations in their family?
We all understand being “there” physically, but our children need us to be there for them emotionally, too — and one of the ways to do this is through being an emotionally present parent.
Welcome to our new series, Intentional Parenting: Your Emotional Presence. If you’re parenting or caring for a child who has experienced trauma, this series of 13 articles offers you actionable ideas, insights, and inspiration to help you support them as they grow into the person God intended them to be.
In this first article, we’ll explain what is emotional presence, it’s benefits to you as a parent or caregiver as well as your child, and 3 ways to cultivate this important skill at home.
3 Ways to Demonstrate Emotional Presence
Emotional presence is more than empathy — it involves actively participating in our children’s lives and supporting them emotionally. If you’re wondering how to be emotionally present as a parent, here are three ways to do it.
1. Practice Awareness.
As parents, we’re tasked with helping our children navigate a variety of emotions. However, being an aware parent means we take the time to notice how our child — and ourselves — are responding in challenging situations.
You can do this by:
- Paying attention to how your body is feeling (i.e. a tight chest, shallow breathing, etc.). Take conscious steps to regulate, like taking deep breaths before you engage.
- Observing your child’s tone of voice and body language. Pay attention to the subtle shifts that indicate something might be wrong, like breaking eye contact. When you notice something, don’t ignore, but attempt to describe it “you looked nervous just now.”
- Naming your feelings without judgment. It’s okay to say things like “I’m nervous” or “I’m scared.” Part of being aware is recognizing and naming those emotions that make you feel vulnerable.
2. Cultivate Attunement.
To be attuned to your child, you need to deeply understand how they’re feeling enough to make them feel safe, validated, and heard.
Attunement can look like:
- Listening with your full attention. Don’t listen to respond or rebut, only to understand. Force yourself to repeat what you thought your child said. For example, “So, I heard you say that you were angry when I showed up late to your event.”
- Use behavioral matching. If they are sitting, go ahead and sit or kneel at their level. If they speak softly, do the same. The goal is to communicate attunement with your voice and body language “I’m with you.” You don’t have to elevate with them, but you can say “It’s difficult for me to hear you when you’re shouting.” Then, you can resume mirroring once they’re calm.
- Feeling with them — not for them. Sometimes we hijack feelings and make it about us. Stay calm and grounded, maintain your composure, so your child doesn’t feel like they now must take care of your feelings.
3. Demonstrate Acceptance.
When your child is hurt, it’s easy to want to make their pain go away. But emotional presence means accepting where your child is — not where you want them to be.
This can look like:
- Letting your child express sadness, anger or fear safely. Tell them “It’s okay to feel angry” instead of “don’t be angry”
- Resisting the urge to distract, minimize or “cheer them up” immediately. Learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings, “Let’s just sit here for a bit.”
Using your physical and emotional presence (talking, prayers, touching, as appropriate) to provide comfort; moving towards your child and not away.
KEY TAKEAWAY
Being an emotional present helps our children feel safe. You can show emotional safety at home by practicing awareness, cultivating attunement, and demonstrating acceptance of your child’s emotions.
APPLICATION QUESTIONS
- How can I “be there” emotionally for my child, demonstrating emotional presence?
- How has my child been affected by the absence of emotionally present adults?
ACTIVITY
Identifying and expressing emotions can be difficult for children. Playing a game like Emo-Me can help them to identify their feelings and learn God’s plan to carry their burdens. Find this game and more in the Everyday Moments™ collection.
KEY VERSE
“Just as a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.” ~Isaiah 66:13 (NLT)
PRAYER
Heavenly Father, help me bring my emotions to you in prayer—and help me be ever present to the emotional needs of my child just as you are to us. In Jesus’ name, amen.
