Most parents expect storms when raising a child with trauma. You expect the meltdowns, the triggers, and the sleepless nights.
But what you didn’t expect was the biggest storm to be with your spouse.
You thought the two of you would stand shoulder to shoulder, united against the challenges that come from parenthood. Instead, it feels like you’re sinking in the ocean, sending out distress signals that are not reaching your partner.
Right now, you don’t need God to simply S.O.S. — save our ship. You need Him to S.O.M. — save our marriage.
And fortunately, He is more than ready to do so.
This article is #4 of our 8-part series, Caring For Your Soul, designed to help parents and caregivers understand how to care for themselves while walking alongside a child who has experienced trauma. To read the first article, click here.
How do trauma-exposed children impact marriage?
Most couples begin their parenting journey feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Yet as the demands of parenting grow, especially caring for a child with trauma, they realize parenting can strain even the strongest marital relationship.
Eventually, you might find yourselves disagreeing more often, feeling disconnected, or wondering why the relationship feels harder than it once did.
Parenting stress often:
- Creates opportunities for misunderstandings and conflict.
- Magnifies differences in parenting styles.
- Intensifies existing challenges.
- Reduces time and energy couples have for one another.
- Drains limited emotional reserves.
When a child has experienced trauma, these pressures can become even more pronounced. The additional emotional, behavioral, and relational needs of the child may require parents to be especially intentional about protecting their connection with one another.
How to reconnect with your spouse?
In the eye of the storm, it can be difficult to maintain communication and connection with your partner. However, your child needs two connected parents.
Here are four ways to help reconnect with your spouse in a God-honoring way:
- Acknowledge the problem at hand without blaming each other. Use words like “I feel [hurt]” rather than “You [hurt] me” to avoid your partner feeling attacked or becoming defensive.
- Regularly invite God into the center of your marriage. Couples in crisis typically neglect the habits that can help save them because they no longer “feel” like it. Continue praying together, even if it’s messy, short, or tearful. God loves hearing from both of you.
- Collaborate with your spouse. Have closed door discussions and present a united front with your children. Avoid playing “good cop and bad cop” or casting one parent into the role of disciplinarian and the other protector. Decide what the rules are together and jointly enforce them when your children are present.
- Seek guidance and support. Look for a Christian counselor, trauma-informed marriage therapist, trusted pastor or elder, and a small group that prays not only for you but with you. They can help you rebuild connection and communication — but don’t wait until your marriage is on life support to seek help.
Protect your marriage as fiercely as you protect your child. You and your spouse were never meant to hold everything together alone. Instead, invite God to be the third cord that strengthens your union.
KEY TAKEAWAY
Parenting under chronic stress—especially when caring for a child who has experienced trauma—can drain your emotional reserves and make even small disagreements feel like storms. Allow the healing power of God to rebuild communication, collaboration and hope in your marriage.
APPLICATION QUESTIONS
- How is the stress in our family affecting my relationship with my spouse?
- How can my spouse and I remain connected while parenting our child with trauma?
ACTIVITY
You can help your child who has experienced trauma get some much-needed rest at bedtime by playing a game like One, Two, See. Find this game and more in the Everyday Moments™ activities collection.
KEY VERSE
"And may the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow, just as our love for you overflows." ~ 1 Thessalonians 3:12 (NLT)
PRAYER
Heavenly Father, calm the storms between my partner and me, mend the broken places in our relationship and restore our souls to the connection strained by our child’s trauma. In Jesus’ name, amen.